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Western Carolina University Publications
WCU - Western Carolina University Publications

Western Carolinian Volume 63 (64) Number 29

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Item 1 - Western Carolinian Volume 63 (64) Number 29
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Western Carolinian Volume 63 (64) Number 29

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Western Carolinian Volume 63 (64) Number 29

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Western Carolinian Volume 63 (64) Number 29

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  • ar^inian Intramural Update Men's Horseshoe Singles All Campus Champion: David Jones Pikes All Campus Runner-up: Robert Machado Hooterville Express Men's Horseshoe Doubles All Campus Champion: Jason Whitted & Mikek Fulp Pikes All Campus Runner-up:Frank Porter & Akila Ounheuan Hooterville Express Women's All Campus Soccer Champions: Purple Haze Women's All Campus Soccer Runner-up: Floaters Men's All Campus Soccer Champions: Pi Kappa Phi Men's All Campus Runner-up: Lambda Chi Alpha Co-Ed Softball All Campus Champion: Going Deep Co-Ed Softball All Campus Runner-up: Corporation Intramural Events INTRAMURAL FISHING DERBY ends on Friday, May 3, at 3:30 pm. All fish are measured at the Reid Gym Equipment Cage by the faculty member or cage attendant. Longest fish will be posted on the Men's Intramural Bulletin Board in Reid Gym. Fishing prizes will be awarded for the following class: 1. Brook Trout 2. Rainbow Trout 3. Small- mouth Bass 4. Crappie 5. Bream 6. Walleye 7. White Bass 8. Largemouth bass 9. Brown Trout INTRAMURAL PICTURE DAY AND AWARDS DAY will occur on Tuesday, May 4 at 4:00 PM at the entrance to the Intramural-Wellness-Fitness Center. The pictures are for All Year Team Champions, Outstanding Intramural Unit Managers, Outstanding Intramural Officials and Employees, and the teams with the Most Outstanding Sportsmanship. Intramural Polls Final Soccer Poll Men's Top 10 1. Pi Kappa Phi 2. Lambda Chi Alpha 3. Bucs 4. A.C. Milan 5. TCD's 6. Hooterville Express 7. Pi Kappa Phi 'B' 8. All 2 Bright 9. Lambda Chi Alpha 'B' 10. Pikes Women's Top 5 1. Purple Haze 2. Floaters 3. Violent Femmes 4. Alpha Xi Delta 5. Delta Zeta Final Coed Softball Poll 1. Going Deep 2. The Corporation 3. TTOMO 4. 5 Men & Some Ladies 5. The Outsiders 6. TCD's 7. Hazers 8. Raging Rednecks 9. Bootleggers 10. Alpha Kappa Psi $<mm Qmtimdto Wait; COMMUNITY -T? REPORT Visit the Student Affairs Webpage, wcu.edu/studentd/ or the Mountain Resource Center Webpage, wcu.edu/mrc/ for further information and a list of opportunities for students A Draft These Guys Would Surely Dodge Don Costello A mole inside the Pentagon—a graduate of Appalachian State, I think—has sent down an unofficial, unconfirmed memo regarding the possibility of an upcoming draft to supply the U.S. Armed Forces with troops in Kosovo. A section of this potentially falsified memo reads that certain members of the sports profession have been tabbed as the, oh, shall we say, No. 1 draft picks. The following is an excerpt from that memo evaluating each sports figure: ♦ Michael Jordan, retired basketball legend: Would certainly dodge the draft with the excuse of "Why should I fight when I can buy out half of Yugoslavia and have control over operations?" ♦ Darryl Strawberry, suspended Yankee: He's in chemo (sniff, sniff). ♦ Allen Iverson, 76ers points guard: Can only go and fight if he can take on the -"————~ Yugoslavian army one-on-one. ♦ Dean Smith, retired college basketball coach: Can win the battle but can't win the war. ♦Jeff Gordon, NASCAR pretty boy: Don't ask, don't tell. ♦ Sergei Federov, Red Wings iceman: Russian Government/Mafia has opposed action in Kosovo. ♦ Mark McGwire, Cardinals first baseman: Androstenedione is a banned substance in accordance with the War Crimes Tribunal. ♦ "The General" Bob Knight, basketball coaching legend: Can lead the troops into battle against the best armies in the world. Has problems keeping troops from defecting. ♦Ted Williams, retired baseball legend: Went to fight for his country in his playing days. The Splendid Splinter could still fight better than any of today's stars. ♦ Dan Reeves, Falcons head coach: See Dean Smith. ♦ Tiger Woods, pro golfer: Would gladly go to battle, but wouldn't bring his d s "A" game. ♦ Shaquille O'Neal, Lakers center: Good in short range warfare. Can't hit targets (or free throws) from long range. ♦ Dick Vitale, poor excuse for basketball announcer: Could never stay silenced during the heat of battle. ♦ John El way, retired football player: Retired recently. Has nothing better to do. ♦ Dan Marino, should be ^ fl fl O £■ retired football player: Has ** lived and played in Miami for _ more than 15 years. Accus- v tomed to warfare at his doorstep, poor leadership and work- II ing with criminals. ♦ Mike Krzyzewski, Duke of Basketball: Attended West Point. Learned from "The General." Like "The General," has a hard time keeping his troops in his company. ♦ Chris Berman, ESPN donut lover: Could never come —_____ up with a nickname for Slobodan Milosevic. ♦ Greg Maddux, Braves egomaniac: Can perform well enough to win any war. Has a hard time getting support from teammates. ♦ Charles Barkley, Rockets loudmouth: Can hit any opposition with the most accurate long distance spitting this side of the prime meridian. ♦ Scottie Pippen and Rod Strickland, professional basketball drinkers: Can weave around any opponent on the court but have a hard time keeping the tanks on a straight line. ♦ Chris Webber, Kings forward: Has all the potential in the world. Can't seem to harness it. ♦ Any Major League Soccer player: Send 'em all to the front lines. They serve no purpose in American society. ♦ X-Games participants: Ditto. Something tells me that if these sports figures were called to military service, they would all quickly forget about the tax burden north of the border and demand trades to teams in Montreal, Toronto, Vancouver, Ottawa, Edmonton, or Calgary. "Lose Weight Fast'' Closely guarded secrets available to You! NEW - SAFE - ALL NATURAL Call TODAY for your FREE 3-day sample. (828)524-2683 OR (800) 580-2683 PIN #35
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Western Carolina University Publications

The Western Carolinian is Western Carolina University’s student-run newspaper. The paper was published as the Cullowhee Yodel from 1924 to 1931 before changing its name to The Western Carolin...

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