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Western Carolinian Volume 61 Number 07 (08)

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  • ■06 invisible academy 10.VJM Samhain Special PSA Halloween Zombie Safety Tips Halloween is coming, and everyone knows what that means—you get to dress up in a really scary costume and go trick or treating. Or if you prefer, you can go to a Halloween party and participate in lots of fun games like bobbing for apples. No matter what you do, Halloween can be fun for all ages. There are, however, a few safety precautions you should be aware of before running off to join the festivities. Parents should make sure that their children are dressed in reflective costumes so that passing motorists will be able to see them easily. Nothing can spoil Halloween more quickly than having a trick or treater hit by a car. Parents should also make sure that they check all of the treats their little "monsters" collect to make sure that the candy apples don't contain razor blades, and that the Reese's cups aren't full of straight pins. Finally, parents should make sure that they and their children know how to recognize and kill the various types of walking dead that may be encountered during the course of the evening. Zombies can manifest themselves in several different forms, all of which have subtly different characteristics. Because of these variations in attributes, the different classes of undead must be handled in different ways. One example is the interplanetary radiation zombie. This type of undead has been awakened by strange radioactive particles that sometimes happen into our solar system as the result of some astronomical phenomenon such as a comet or supernova. Once awakened, these zombies soon acquire cannibalistic appetites and roam the earth searching for human prey. If bitten by one of these creatures, the victim soon succumbs to death and in turn becomes a zombie himself. The outstanding characteristic of the interplanetary radiation zombie is that its brain has been re-animated by the radiation, therefore it can be easily killed by cerebral injury. While nothing else can harm it, a gunshot or even a sharp blow to the head can usually do the trick [See Fig. 1]. The re-animation gas zombie, on the other hand, cannot be killed quite so easily. This is due to the fact that the gas re-animates all of the monster's flesh, not just the brain. This type of undead also has cannibalistic tendencies, but they prefer to eat brains. This is probably because they have none of their own [See Fig 2]. They wander around, mindlessly searching for their next meal and can often be heard chanting the word "BRAINS" repeatedly. Your best bet for killing the re-animation gas zombie is simply to hack its body into such small pieces that no one piece alone can harm you. Though all evidence indicates that these monsters do not have regenerative qualities, it is probably still a good idea to scatter the remains—just for good measure. The third type of zombie that you are most likely to encounter is the product of some kind of alien intervention. They have been brought to life by a superior race for the purpose of stopping humanity from causing some horrible universal catastrophe. The awakening of this type of undead, commonly referred to as the astro-zombie, is usually instigated by the use of some kind of alien device such as a re-animation ray pistol. Since astro-zombies are brought to life by a technology vastly superior to our own, there is really no way to stop them, short of capturing the re-animation device. Luckily, this type of walking dead has no desire to eat flesh and are no immediate threat to an individual. One can only hope that the intentions of their extra-terrestrial masters are benevolent [See Fig. 3]. No matter what class of undead you encounter, there is one important thing to remember—they are dead and move slowly. So don't just stand there screaming like an idiot. Chances are that unless you are a old lady with a walker, you can outrun them. Even a brisk walk could, in most cases, carry you safely from harm's way. So if you see a zombie keep your wits about you and have a safe, fun Halloween. —Scott Francis Figure 1 Figure 2 1. Interplanetary Radiation Zombies can be killed by a substantial blow to the cranium. 2. Re-animation Gas Zombies have no true "brain" and must be severely incapacitated (i.e. evisceration or disintegration) to stop. 3. Astro-Zombies can only be stopped by disrupting the re- animation technology or by evolving the human race. Figure 3
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