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Western Carolinian Volume 45 Number 0U812

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  • Page3/THE WESTERNCAROLINI AN/April 1,1980 Communist cadet exposed ROTC cadet spills guts A patriotic and heart-warming event occurred this weekend when WCU's ROTC unit took to the mountains for the annual Junior "FIX" Field Tranining Exercise. Cadet Major Scott "< oinmrade" Justus was accidently wounded when the Arms van he was planting explosives on suddenly rolled back and broke his leg in three places. Justus was considered to be in immense pain so Cadet Captain Case) "Bang Bang" Davis administered 2 aspirin and Scc's of sodium pentathol "truth seriini." Major .Justus then became delirious and recited the Communist Manifesto and the Russian National Anthem. He ssas then brought to conscious by Sergeant John "Varoom Varoom" Stanfield by driving the van over Justus' other leg. Cadet/Major Mark "McCarthy" Wilkins, a soon to be Military Intelligence officer, organized a Cadet Court Martial composed of cadets and cadre. A special squad specially trained in knot tying then tied and gagged the injured Justus. After the prosecution rested its case accusing Justus of being a Communist spy, Justus was allowed to speak in his own defense. He was reported to have said, "I hmmp...gag...mumble... cough, cough..." before choking on the sock around his mouth. EMT Glen "Killer" Williams applied immediate action by applying artificial respiration with a New plan proposed siphon hose, thus sasing Justus' life. Williams did not return with the group and is believed to be missing in action. The jury deliberated for three minutes and returned with the verdict of guilty and recommended the dirty Communist pig to be executed at once. There was some disagreement at this suggestion, as Cadet Lynn "Wino" Chandler suggested that the prisoner be tortured and questioned first. For twenty minutes the cadets used the convicted Justus as a rope in a tug-of-war contest across a deep stream. The game ceased when one of Justus' legs was pulled from its socket and was eaten by a large trout as it floated dossil the stream. Justus was relieved from his pain by Cadet Sergeant Walter "Hot Lips'" Steim. who kissed it and made it all better. The cadres, led by Captain "lank Tank" Isaacs, soon put an end to the fun and games by forming a firing squad of 48 volunteers and shot Cadet/Major Justus in all of his vital organs. There will be a closed casket ceremony for Justus at the Last Church of God in Hendersonville on April 1 st. A special commendation was presented to the ROTC cadets by Governor James B. Hunt for doing their part to dispose of subversive activists in North Carolina and for making America safe for democracy. Major Frank Valentine demonstates the expert technique as he lectures on "Lonliness on the Battlefield" during a recent weekend exercise for ROTC cadets. photo fey lHugs, Gro___ Construction halted on new Hwy. 107 The North Carolina Department of Transportation announced yesterday that due to raising costs, inflation and increased interest rates the completion of new Highway 107 as planned would be "impossible at this time." The highway was originally designed to run from Sylva to WCU and be four lanes. An alternative proposal will make the new construction highway only two lanes and set up a complex system of one-way streets and highways in Cullowhee. "We plan to use the new highway system as an entrance road to campus and the old highway system as an exit road. In other words, we will still have two lanes coming into campus and two lanes going out, they just won't be near each other," said Jonny Mishap, head of DOT. WCU Chancellor H. F. Robinson said he felt thenew proposal would be even better than the old idea because "everyone coming to our beautiful campus would get to see the entire campus, from one end to the other, and not just come and go the same way." Jimmy Smith, Cullowhee business tycoon, said this new plan would save the business on old Highway 107 which were threatened due to the new highway. Speedy, of Speedy's, says he will love having all these four lane highways to speed his pizzas around on. The department of transportation rejected an idea to appropriate additional funds to run the highway by Administration cracks down Joyner Building so "everyone could see the Carolinian offices" but did say they would consider plans in the near future to give us our own exit ramp. DOT also said that in a close 5-4 vote the board rejected an idea to stop the construction altogether. "We were really considering just throwing the entire idea out the window and using the extra money to build a dam, flood the WCU valley and never have to worry about the school again," Mishap commented. "But," he continued, "Dr. Robinson said it would be hard to get everyone new jobs and Jimmy and Coonie refused to move, so we decided on the alternative plan.'' Due to the increased labor cost as well as rebuilding the highway through campus, the new proposed project will not be completed until 2018. New housing rules established Several students In Benton were seen climbing the walls after the new housing regnlations were released concerning visitation. The regulations are designed to cut down on the increased sexual activity which has continually increased through the 1970's. Photo by 'Hugs' Grogan It was announced today that next year WCU housing policies will be stricter. Chancellor Robinson stated at a nress conference Mondav that with the revalation of a male student living with his fiancee in Scott last year it was more than evident that something had to be d .ie. Robinson went on to state that even though he knew that most of the students here are ail-American, clean-cut, students, there are still some dregs of society that are only content when succeeding in bringing another clean student down to the same decadent level as themselves. It is a shame that all of the students will have to suffer, Robinson said, "but in the long run the students will be thankful in the end. Among some of the more notable changes are chastity belts which will be issued in all of the Good News boxes that are given out to on-campus students at the beginning of the Fall semester. There will be periodic checks from time to time by members of the admistration to see that everyone is complying to this new policy. Also, officials at the Pysical Plant stated that anyone who is having any mechanical problems can come by between the hours of 8 p.m. to midnight for a free service check. Secondly, in the girl dormitories there will be limited visitation in which you must give the RA of you hall the name of the person who is to come and see you. The name will be run through the housing computer and the person will then be allowed to visit you unless his name appears on the unfavorable list. If so he will not be allowed to visit and if he should try and see you anyway, you will both be shipped home. Third, monitors will be installed on all floors outside the elevators and stairways to make sure that no unwelcome visitors get in. There are rumors that more cameras will be installed in each of the individual girls rooms in an attempt to uncover more illegal procedures. Gaurd dogs were also discussed as a means to cut down the amount of lustful male juvenile delinquents that hang around Scott Beach for cheap thrills. Glen Stiilion and Chancellor Robinson have decided that a matter of this much importance should not be shelved away and left to just a handful of trained RA's to manage. Both have ordered high powered telescopes in order to keep close tabs on "what's going down" in Scott and Walker dorms. What better place to observe than the administration building. Of course this does not mean that the girls are the only ones who will be feeling the tightness in the rules and regulations. The boys will be finding it much harder to bring a girl up to their room. In fact you must follow the same procedure as the girls unless the girl is a freshman. If they are freshmen you must have a chaperone persent at all times or a note from the girls parents excusing her from being chaperoned. ■ ■■ _ Turn to page 1, please Carolinian editor commited Al Lagano, editor of the Western Carolinian, was carried away in a straight-jacket last night after presumably going out of his mind" after 47 weeks as editor of the paper. •7LhaP^f,n,S-t0 every°ne of them sooner or later," said Mark Wilkins. managing editor of the paper. "We of Jo lie**S "8 H Whe" hC tri6d t0 jUmP °ff the t0p ,iaLf?8tfnH0Tep0rtldly t0ld doctors that the Carolinian 2^7 h,m out °f Us mind and he couldn't It BnTrne Pres*ures, the conservative politics, general. P^Wl-da. and 'Hugs' Grogan in ^Officials said he should be fine after a few months
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