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WCU - Western Carolina University Publications

Western Carolinian Volume 73 Number 03

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Western Carolinian Volume 73 Number 03

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Western Carolinian Volume 73 Number 03

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Western Carolinian Volume 73 Number 03

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  • Western Carolinian Page 6 BUSTED! Busted! Top 10 Humorous Commentary along with the real police reports By: Zach McKeown 10 Incident Number 08-01304 Arrest- Campus- One male student was arrested for cyber stalking and was trespassed for one day. When youve failed at real life stalking its really no big deal. You can just move on to internet stalking. But failing at internet stalking? Might be time to hang up the old creepy, obsessive stalker bit in favor of something youre mildly competent at. 9 Incident Number 08-01334 Leatherwood- Abandoned Contraband- WCU Officers collected abandoned property. Officers recently collected abandoned property at _ Leatherwood dormitory. The list of abandoned goods includes a fully functional X-Box, widescreen plasma television and a case of expensive Bavarian beer. Since the discovery, crime on campus has risen by 96%. Incident Number 08-01351 Fraud- Controllers Office- WCU Employee reported an individual obtaining property by-false pretense. With the new Becoming a Con-man.,101 course re- cently added to the liberal arts program here at West- ern, students are really beginning to fulfill their po- _ tential as mediocre criminals as opposed to mediocre everything else. 7 Incident Number 08-01372 Suspicious Person- CAT Building- WCU Officers at- tempted to locate a suspicious person. There is a CAT Building somewhere on the Western campus and Im not ashamed to say that the first thing I pictured upon hearing the words CAT Building was some sort of miniature dormitory for cats. Yeah, it sounds cool at first, but think of all the litter boxes that would be lying around. If I wanted to go to a place with waste all over the floors, Id visit Scott for a few minutes. Incident Number 08-01389 Failure to stop for a Stop Sign- SR 1168- One male student was given a State Citation. Stopping for a stop sign here on campus is like be- ing stuck between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand, if you stop youll probably be given a forty dol- lar parking ticket. On the other, if you run it, youll probably be maced in the eyes for a half hour and tick- eted. Decisions, decisions. -Mark Twain T have never let my schooling interfere with my education. ) Incident Number 08-01400 Unwanted Physical Contact- Campus- One female stu- dent reported incident. Unwanted physical contact is about one step away from sexual harassment, which is about one step away from sexual assault, which is about one step away from a slum- ber party at a state prison and changing your name to Molly. So watch those hands, chief. 4 Incident Number 08-01567 Damage to Property- Greek Village- One male student reported damage to property. There have recently been a handful of reports about prop- erty damage and theft in the Greek Village. But I'll tell you this: its got nothing to do with the Greeks. Those folks are upstanding individuals that contribute positively to society and college life as a whole. They would never do anything foolish. Ever. That is all. 3 Incident Number 08-01590 Littering- Mail Room- One female student was given a State Citation. Breaking news: just because Western and various orga- nizations/clubs/etc. insist on filling our mail boxes with pointless crap, flyers and whatever else does not mean we have the right to shove all of it back through the slot into the mail room. Thats littering, apparently. Yet another reason I]] never be allowed to join the Green Party. 2 Incident Number 08-01616 Distraught Student- Campus- WCU Officers received in- formation about a distraught student. A distraught student was recently reported to campus po- lice. Upon further investigation, officers discovered sev- eral thousand distraught students. Midterms are expected to be cancelled permanently as per court order. 1 Incident Number 08-01404 Failure to Leave Building During a Fire Alarm- Greek Village- Two male students were given Judicial Refer- rals. Two male students in the Greek Village recently risked being burned alive by remaining inside their building during a fire alarm. Upon further investigation, it was dis- covered that they were certainly not drunk on cheap beer or hung over or on illegal substances or any other form of negative behavior. They were most likely simply busy praying, raising money for the homeless and teaching underprivileged children mathematics. God I love those Greeks so much. For further information about each report please go to police.wcu.edu (http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes) Dear Readers, Sometimes, people get offend- ed. Particularly, it seems, by Busted. And Ill be the first to admit that, at times, I may write something that can be interpreted as controversial or something that will obviously con- flict with someones view of things. But my point in writing this isnt to lampoon those people for complain- ing when I make fun of Greeks, or a club, or a certain dorm, or the faculty, or campus police, but neither is it to assuage their specific concerns. My goal in writing this is to state, in no uncertain terms, the exact purpose of Busted. Busted is ajoke. The police reports are real, yes, but the reason for Busted, which are my witty little comments about otherwise tedious stories, are entirely fabricated with no purpose whatsoever than to make you, the reader, have a little laugh every now and then. Inevitably, you may find yourself reading Busted and suddenly youre targeted in some roundabout way. Or maybe one of your best friends has the momentary spotlight. Maybe you know about the particular crime that has taken place and it was a gross misunderstanding or misinter- pretation of what really happened. Or maybe something insensitive or vague slipped through. Regardless of the circumstances, if you find your- self offended by Busted, I have two pieces of advice: First, remember that Busted is, above all else, a humor piece. Be- neath veils of sarcasm or loosely fab- ricated legitimacy, Busted is simply the result of a warped sense of humor combined with otherwise boring po- lice reports. Next, if you still find your- self in a fit of rage over something that may strike you as too personal or too harsh, then write to the West- ern Carolinian. We read every e-mail that comes along, without fail, so if you want to send a few jabs our way I would encourage you to do so (mes- sages of undying affection are also happily accepted). I cant speak for people who have written Busted in the past and I cant speak for the people who will write Busted in the future, but so long as Im writing Busted, I will make the following guarantees: 1) At no point will Busted be- come a serious piece that reflects a le- gitimate and honest point of view of real world situations. 2) The humor in Busted will never be toned down or otherwise altered to fit a Disney-esque, every- body loves everybody viewpoint. 3) Everybody is fair game. If you appear in a police report, then you could just as easily appear in Busted, regardless of race, sex, age and sta- tion in life. There you have it. But, just as a quick recap, once again I'd like to emphasize that Busted is nothing more than a humor piece and should be taken with two or three grains of salt, depending on your tolerance. Finally, in the name of clarity, we here at the Western Carolinian are making a few changes to the format of Bust- ed on top of pretty much everything else. It is always a difficult process to make all the gears turn in unison so soon after so many drastic changes, but fear not, dear reader. Busted is here to stay! Sincerely, Zach McKeown
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Western Carolina University Publications

The Western Carolinian is Western Carolina University’s student-run newspaper. The paper was published as the Cullowhee Yodel from 1924 to 1931 before changing its name to The Western Carolin...

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