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Western Carolinian Volume 61 Number 07 (08)

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  • 10.19.95 invisible academy 07 Town Triumphs Over Federal Quarantine H. County, NC—On November 9, 1989, several reports flooded the FBI that the entire population of C had been abducted by a 'floating, silver, disc shaped object' at approximately 5pm. Reports from the national guard state that the victims were returned the following day in what seemed to be a 'reanimated state.' With the support of the ACLU, C has received its day in court. After three months of quarantine, the restrictions on C were lifted. The Supreme Court found that the citizens of C , though lacking in traditional 'respiratory and neurological' skills, were no danger to themselves or the public. Residents of neighboring towns expressed concern over economic and diabolic repercussions. Mary Eller, an 80- year-old resident of J who has children and grandchildren in C , said that T wouldn't mind them so much if they didn't stink so bad.' Her husband, Gary, 87, said, 'It isn't rightly Christian of them.' Rev. Douglas of J sponsored an evening service for the residents of C at the J First Baptist Church. The turnout was good (about 75 residents shambled in), but the event was called off after the first two persons baptized (John E. Shueller, 1942-1989-1990, and Elizabeth Ford, 1962- 1989-1990) melted into an oily substance that rendered the entire First Baptist pool unsuitable. Rev. Douglas said, 'This won't stop me... I'll just have to find some less uh toxic way to save these people.' C Mayor, Herbert Starnes, commented in a press conference on Friday that 'The main concern of this town now is the tourist trade, which is our main source of income. Many hard working men and women simply do not have the money necessary to pick up and start over somewhere else, and frankly, we don't want to lose anyone of our local businesses. This community is a family, and our local shop owners are our brains and blood.' The Mayor, the School Superintendent, and the aldermen then proceeded to rip the skulls off of the living attendants and devour their brain matter. This was followed by bingo and a dance hosted by Tyrone Rupert Caldwell and the jazz quartet, 'Four Maldehyde.' The city council will be sponsoring a 'Honors Student' night every Thursday, providing music, games, and a wide variety of brain foods to the local high schools' exceptionally gifted students. Mayor Herbert Starnes and School Superintendent William Gray celebrate their hard-won victory.
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