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Western Carolinian Volume 72 Number 09

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  • 2007 WRAP UP z] | Campaign Rundown - 2007 Part Deux: An Honest and Civil Commentary on the Potential State of the Union By Zach McKeown WGnewsmagazine Politicians are scum, all of them, without exception. Democrats, Republicans, Greens, Independents, Liberals and Conservatives, anyone in politics should be shunned. They should be captured in the middle of the night by men in full riot gear, beaten with clubs, stripped of their United States citizenry and dropped (from orbit, preferably) on an island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. They should be quarantined and looked down uponlike the lepers they are trailing bits and pieces of ethics and moral integrity that have shriveled, rotted and fallen behind them, forgotten, during their blind, lemming-like rushes to positions of power. But since the above ideas would be difficult to execute given the world climate these days (and the fact that any politicians worth uprooting are so entrenched that cockroaches study themin an effortto improve their own survival techniques), | suppose we'll have to put up with the filthy degenerates for the foreseeable future. As such, I'd like to take a moment to comment on the top three Presidential nomination candidates from the Democratic and Republican parties. There are more than three, of course, but there is no shadow of a chance that any of those other political outliers will win more than some online contest that they never signed up for in the first place. And even the Nigerian Princes out there hesitate in trusting a portion of their fortunes to politicians. At any rate, the top three Democratic candidates, as | see them, follow: Hillary Clinton Clinton. Clinton, Clinton, Clinton. Bill Clinton. You remember him, dont you? Sure you do, that sex addicted, saxophone playing, used- car-dealing, political employee-of-the-month that was President a couple of times a while back. You liked him, right? Bill Clinton, | mean. Who didn't like Bill Clinton? Well if you liked him (and by him | mean Bill Clinton), then you're going to love his wife. Hillary Clinton. Whoah, whoah, dont get confused, though, shes totally affiliated with Bill Clinton. Also, dont forget: Bill Clinton. Hillary Clinton is a political monstrosity. She has no soul, no ethics, no morals and no humanity. She will drop any name (Bill Clinton) and use any resource she can to claw her way to the Presidency. She is the result of so many contrived and cobbled together fragments of personalities that Frankenstein's monster would be put to shame. |m telling you, Hillary Clinton would literally put a saddle on her husband's back and ride him all over the United States if she thought there was a vote in it for her. Her lesternCarolinian brain is a machine designed and wired in the most intricate, sinister, backwards, nonsensical and labyrinthine way. She is politics incarnate. Simply put, Hillary is so utterly vacuous a personality that not only will she kiss children for their parents votes, but shell kiss them with tongue to get that pedophile To-Catch- A-Predator vote. God help us if she becomes President. John Edwards Edwards, | think, is waiting patiently for the other candidates to screw up. Then, when they do, he thinks that he is going to strike like some sort of limp, lifeless cobra and strike them down with his political venom, eliminating them from the race and furthering his own cause. John Edwards is a man who loves it when football teams run out the clock instead of going for that final, last-ditch touchdown. But Im not worried and neither should you be. Edwards will never be president. Already he has sabotaged himself with this whole inane wait and see strategy of his. Every single time one of his competitors makes a slight miscalculation or what he (read he as his people) perceives as an exposed weakness he rushes forth from his burrow and claws violently at their shins, his nose upturned and eyes wide, watery and wild. Of course, to them and to us he just looks like a child tugging at the pant cuffs of the adults, whining about whatever issue his retainers have unearthed for him that day. The key to finishing off an opponent at their weakest moments is to not come off like a sniveling, Jealous child while doing it and Edwards simply can't pull any other image off. If hes smart he'll quit the race and cling to either Obama or Hillarys neck like the giant, incompetent albatross that he is. Vice President still gets you into the White House, John, which is better than nothing, right? Right? Barack Obama | dont have much to say about Obama because he seems to be the most genuine of the bunch. It seems as if he may have, at one point in life, been a reasonable human being that cared for the well-being of his fellow man. I'm hesitant to actually believe this and equally hesitant to think he could still be that person, but he has a combination of charisma and political wisdom that is easy to trust. I'm not saying he isnt flawed. His campaign newsletters annoy me to no end and hes licking at the wound Hillary Clinton inflicted upon herself (by being so utterly inane, pathetic and completely incapable of answering questions) at the most recent Democratic debate like a vampire bat attached to the underside of an oblivious cow, but in the grand scheme of things | expect my politicians to be irritating and thirsty for blood and hes just barely shy of what | would consider excessive amounts of behavior in either category. lf he doesn'tdo anything horrible he could be president. Of course, this is working with the Continued on Next Page...
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