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Western Carolinian Volume 64 (65) Number 02

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  • August 25,1999 FEATURES COMMENTARY Heat Wave Breeds Zombies, Campus Brains Pop by Alex Esmon Features Editor Late summer means the coming of my favorite month, August. September is knocking on the door, but with its last breath, summer pulses life with one last gasp of seasonal weather. With August comes that sweltering, sweat drenching entity known as 'heat'. A Physicist will tell you that heat is really just the amount of energy required to raise the temperature of a given entity by one degree celcius. Don't believe such a benign, innocent explanation! Heat has been know to cause normal human beings to function in very strange manners. Documented cases abound pertaining to people who have suffered strange and macabre demises due to heat. Brains frying, heads bursting, spontaneous combustion—you know the drill. Yes, heat can do strange things to the minds of men. I am under the impression that the heat this year must be quite bad. I have come to this conclusion after studying and witnessing the behavior of some of the local inhabitants of our fair city. The things I have seen can only be due to the heat we have been experiencing. Surely that must be the only logical assumption. One of the first things I noticed this year has to do with the cross-walks. Yes, West ern Carolina University is officially designated as Pedestrian Friendly. We have fully functional cross-walks located at every cross street and intersection all around campus. Just like real streets! Why, then, have I seen herds of students of a size that would scare even David Attenborough sauntering across the streets hither and yon, aimlessly wandering to and fro from sidewalk to sidewalk giving little attention to the cars and trucks that whiz through campus. They could be absolutely flattened! It must be the heat. I mean, crosswalks are there for their own safety, so it only makes sense that the heat is so bad that sometimes the herds just forget and miss them. Maybe the intense heat turned them all into walking dead people like something from a cheap horror flick. Pertaining to the afore mentioned whizzing cars—when did Centenial Drive turn into the Autobahn? I opened my door and almost got decapitated Monday morning, as the blur of a Jeep sped past my head. It only took me two hours to re-hinge my door. Once again, it's got to be the heat. The waves of energy are piercing through their skulls and causing their brains to slowly simmer like a hair-topped bag of Orville Reddenbacher until...POP!! There goes the brain. Thus, due to his/her inability to reason, it becomes impossible for the Mad Batter bakes daily fresh muffins, cinnamon rolls, cookies, and your favorite European-style breads. New 4:30 p.m. Special: All pastries 1/2 Off!!! 24-hour notice appreciated on all special orders. Call anytime! (828) 293-3096 Open Monday-Friday 7:30 a.m.-5:00 p.m. Located between Valley Florist and Presley's Barber Shop driver to understand the speed limit sign and the foot automatically presses to the floor. Along with a spontaneous lead foot comes the inability to move the left forefinger from the steering wheel. This means no turn signals. I have begun to wonder if some cars even come equipped with these small lights. They must cost extra. Strangely enough, this mental meltdown does not seem to impede the ability of the middle finger on both hands to stand in an upright position for an extended period of time. Simply incredible! I'm still having a hard time explaining how they can manage to turn their radios up to a level so high that I can clearly make out what they're listening to from in side the building. This is a lethal combination. Zombie pedestrians and mindless drivers with crazy fingers and it's all due to the sweltering heat. I can't wait for the fall when everyone will be back to normal. Unless, of course, the frost gets in their ears and causes what's left of their brains to freeze, leaving them in a state of inner stasis. Those synapses won't fire and we'll have the same problem all over again... photo by Seth R. Sams These non-zombified students stick to the "safety" of the cross-walk... even in the blazing summer heat! www.crossroads-syiva.com for updates phone 631-3322 Main Street, Sylva Dining and Entertainment Calendar of Events Thurs, Aug 26 Fri, Aug 27 & Sat, Aug 28 Thur, Sept 2 KdrSlOke w/Teri "TGrtoke" Dauis Open (Wc/acoustic jarv> Collage f\ii€jht W/ D.J W».e*ecJ "Coyote" HURRICANE CREEK CLASSIC BOREDOM $3.00?! 8,ov«- $5.00i>m<-r?l college IO required 9:00pm No cover 8:30pm Wo cover $3.0G?tJtovw $5,00««.ef21 co I Inge* IO no-qui red 9:30pm $5.00 STAND-UP COMEDY NITE 8:30pm $800 Headline- Steve Mingolla & Featured guest Brian T. Shirley Fri, Sept 3 Sat, Sept 4 Thurs, Sept 9 "FriTSept 10 & Sat, Sep! 11 Thur, Sept 16 Also- JL-nrfc.3 dylletfjc /Slight ii-30om $2.007iio™ $4.00un*.,?i W/DJ Wr.ln.rol •Ceyot.' " ^coll<»g» ID rrrquirnd CAUTI OtSI ("high energy music for the mind") 9:30pm $5.00 C^-fiftlBKiiN' COW-BOYS w/SleveVhoms 9:30pm $5.00 College IS/itjhL W/ DJ \A/Rle«d 'Coyot.' :: ;. ;..:.. "~C3Err-F»»3olWi JliV«grr-.itO~~" 10:00pm $3,002) So™ $5.00 urate. 21 college IO rrrcrijirrsd CULLOWHEE REUNION CONCERT w/opening od C#R»**ie*M COW»0"*f* (Fri. only) 9:90pm $10.00 STAND-UP COMEDY NITE Heodliner- "Just June" & Featured guest Ben Beall jMsolr Late College ISiiaht W/ O J W.l..d -Coyot.' 11:30pm 8:30pm $8.00 $2.0021*««r $4.00 or*, 21 ooll-ocj-a ID r*c|*_tir.»ci Fri Sept: 17 9:OOpm rim-niiiw --CO-pnac-si-Bit J5sv.ar-.1-0.- $17 advance $19 dbor $80 rsv. seating $25 priority /""tickets/Info 631-3322 or atln Your Eur. Sylva 586 6404 "V • - - ■ — .r,r Mir.ir Ir.rn.iin f,g4 MVffi- Kr.rmar.r.mr-.* A»!r«»illn yViH-aHJiJ. or orrlnm at. Tit:l<gtWt»b.C<jm WB1G BTJBJJOH «&? Tla© 1-Tew Anixaals w/ opening act ORBiBiAN COWBOYS
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Object’s are ‘parent’ level descriptions to ‘children’ items, (e.g. a book with pages).