• Format
  • Publications (documents)
• Type
  • Text
• Source institution
  • Western Carolina University
• Identifier
  • HL_WesternCarolinian_1982-12-09_Vol47_No15_08

THE WESTERN CARPWRAP Volume 714 Issue 69 The Best In Lam dwtttwtt'/"' ■ ■ , M»twmiw^.y,y^y/^^w^//^M{B»w» asaftSfifiE? poon Since 1984 »«»»wwtKy.t«4v,«y^ty/<v.,.«^wv<y>«y>vv>«iSisssg«««»vg $2.00 Cheep ><NKry^NNrWs»sWs>»^»»^^*»»g»< ^^/^^^^^^^O^sfs^VsA^^^^^^^^^s^^^^^^s*^^^^. Math Professor From Outer Space At WCU v Mav (lav Srhnnnrw by Mayday Schnapps A flurry of UFO reports which occurred in Western North Carolina last summer has finally been explained, says WCU's Dean of Arts and Sciences John McCrone. Much to the shock and dismay ol WCl 's students and administration, the incidents appear to stem from the presence, on the faculty of an alien being from another galaxy. The information might never have been obtained but for the lucky coincidence of an overheard coversation. One of the members ot the investigating team happened to hear the following conversation between two WCU students in reference to a strange disclosure made during one ot Summer Session ll's mid- level Math classes; STUDENT A:"Man, I can't hang with this math class. I understand the concepts, but I can't work the problems " STUDENT B:"Hardly anyone can. There are just too many formulas to memori/e. It's really beyond human ability." STUDENT A:"lt can't be. Our professors all passed these classes once." STUDENT B:"Well, your math instructor this summer isnt human. 1 had him last semester, and he accidently let it slip that he was an alien." The alert investigator, believing that there could be- some connection, followed the student home, and cornered him in his dorm room. The student gladly disclosed the rest of the story. "We were going over Tragedy at WCU Senator Uncovers Commie Plot Unassociated press According to SGA spokesman Frank E. Baldwin III, 26 SGA senators are Soviet imposters. Ina press conference held yesterday, Baldwin stated that he had received information indicating that 26 senators have been killed and replaced with Soviet look-alikes. Freshman senator Baldwin said he first became suspicious "when the term comrade began to be used in the senate meetings." Baldwin's suspicions became further arroused when he noticed 37 calls to the Kremlin on last month's SGA phone bill. "One or two calls to Moscow I can understand," said Baldwin, "but 37 is just too many to be coincidence." Baldwin first contacted Traffic and Security with the case of mass murder and espionage, but was told by Traffic and Security that these types of cases were better handled by the Jackson County Sheriff's Department. Baldwin then contacted the Jackson County Sheriff's Dept., which referred him to the Federal Bureau of Investigation. According to FBI reports, at least 16 and possibly as many as 30 SGA senators have altered voice patterns and fingerprints. In an unconfirmed report from the late Comptroller H. Lee Cheek (1960-1982). the Western Carolinian has been working with the Soviet Union for the past 7 months in an attempt to further the interests of the Communist Party. According to Cheek, the Communist infiltration of the SGA, known as "Operation Larry " was carried out by a man known as L. Hardin and two assistants, "Hatchet" Sosnik and "Mad Dog'Schutz. Cheek further noted that he had suspected the Western Carolinian of being a Communist organization for many months. Cheek's body was found Tuesday nailed to a giant hammer and sickle in Hooper's Trailer Park on Old Highway 107 in Cullowhee. Senator Baldwin called recent events "tragic " but said he knew of no connection between these events and math all around the world that planet Earth's developments in the physical sciences would be adversely affected lor millenia * Bur-El has been on this planet lor some 870 years, systematically contusing students whom the XWave mind analysis predicted could make significant contributions to the physical sciences on planet Earth. Among the could-have-becn developments forestalled bv Bur-El's evil intervention were: cost-free solar hydrolysis, a chemical reaction which halts the chain reaction of nuclear fission, a relatively inexpensive particle beam which could control the violence of hurricanes and other violently adverse weather, a pencil lead which regenerates itself and never needs sh.u pening, and a new kind ol corn Hake which savs "snap, ciackle, pop" and which never gets soggy in milk. Ihe investigating team turned these shocking findings ovei u> University administration, who promptly buried the matter in a pile marked "Really lough Problems lot the Brave and Foolish." Investigators sav, "I here is no further immediate danger, as the subject ot the investigation has taken a semester off to pursue further studies at the University ol lennessee. However, the purpose ot the alien plot was to leave Earth unprepared for an eventual invasion Irom XW-85, and this fact can certainly not be taken lightly." The UFO sightings were explained by investigators as a part of Bur-El's near-discovery last summer, when, they sav. Bur-El made a UHF call home- similar to that made by cinema's hero E.T.-which summoned a swarm ol his compatriots to his aid. Apparently, the aliens decided that neither Bur-El nor their plan was in great danger, thev did not remain here This fact troubles the investigators, who are currently attempting to discover whether a post-hvpnotic suggestion given Bur-El before the conclusion ol questioning did. indeed, cause him to lorget his discovery, and whether his departure lor lennessee is connected with their investigation. Dean McCrone was the first administrator brave ot foolish enough to tackle the pile this semester, and his first reaction was to call the Carolinian with the information on Bur-El. McCrone confessed himsclt "flabbergasted" by ihe report, and he could onlv conclude that the information had to be made available to the students ol WO Math Depatment head Dr, Charles Martin says that the information about Bur-El came as a complete surprise to him. "All the professors in the Math Department area little weiul," explains Martin."and one specific kind ol strangeness is insi too difficult to spot. 1 can only hope that a mistake has been made somewhere I can't afford to let an assistant professor go- we're all so busv preparing for the new VAX that we critically short- handed on student torturers, I mean, ci, teachers." Ihe best advice that the investigating team could give students was to take as many hours ol their math requirements as possible before Bur-1 Ts return, and to watch the Carolinian next semester for further updates on Bur-El's possible return, and the effect it could have- on their educations. homework problems in class one day." the student related, "and our professor was slamming out equivalent expressions taster than we could choke on them. Finally, one ol us got up the guts to ask how a certain Hem had been arrived at. Ihe teacher in question scribbled some strange tigures on the board, and turned lo face ihe class, saving 'From this il should be obvious (hat ..' Well, it wasn't obvious >l all. One student asked aloud. 'How does he keep that stull in his head'1'and another jokingly replied He's an extraterrestrial and he knows all these things ' Well. Bui-1 I heard the remark, and he lost his usually cold composure As class continued Jie began to look green around the gills Really green-really gills Mv the end of the period, his antennae were showing. You can take it or leave it, but that's what I saw." Ihe investigatOI decided to lake the student's information at face value, and directed the investigation towards finding background information on Math Department assistant professor Oils Bui-II Strangely enough, no hometown was listed on Bur- ITs hies, and under next-of-kin, Bur-El had listed "Uncle Martian." ITiis was enough for the investigating team. I hey decided to apprehend the instructor tor further questioning. Ihe alien was not immune to hypnosis, and careful questioning lead to the following revelations: *Bur-EI is. indeed, an alien being. He hails from a planet which revolves around Alpha Centaun, known to its residents as XW-78. *His mission was decidedly offensive in nature. His instructions were to so boggle the minds of students of ************************* * * * * * 4 Caught By The The late Lee Cheek (1960-1982) implicated the Western Carolinian newspaper in a Communist plot shortly before his death. Cheek was brutally crusified Tuesday at Hooper's Trailer Park. the Western Carolinian. Comrade Baldwin further stated that "Fiber evidence of border tape on Check's body and a gag made of never-published Carolinian articles are sheer coincidence." Baldwin said he could personally vouch for Schutz and Hardin, but said "I wouldn't put anything past that Sosnik fellow. I used to work for Sosnik. The guy is dangerous." A reply to accusations, Sosnik replied "No comment. You'll have to read my book to discover the truth." Sosnik's book. Conservative Comptrollers Are Really Communist Workers, next Tuesday. is expected to go on sale Notice You better not cry You better not pout You better not cry You better be good I'm telling you why Santa Claus is coming to town Yesterday's steaks...the best way yet to enjoy horsemeat. See story page 27. Rioting At WCU All Ouiet On Western's Front Figure Drawing 102 was raided last Monday night when T&S responded to a call that male strippers were performing before a wild and riotous crowd of female students in the Belk building. Upon arrival T&S officers were reported to have exclaimed their disgust at the manner in which the male strippers made reference to their ancestry across a mob of angry ladies. The officers later reported "We feared for our lives...we were not about to push through that crowd and try to apprehend those strippers...they would have torn us from limb to limb..." The officers fought their way back to the squad car and radioed for backup. By the time reinforcements arrived on the scene, all was quiet and the strippers had slipped away. The angry crowd was headed for the T&S offices. Frank Blackmon. speaking before the crowd of protestors, said he would "get to the bottom of this situation which has disgraced the reputation of this fine university." Blackmon was covered with eggs and tomatoes before T&S officers could break up the crowd In the riots that followed on Tuesday, three officers were de-pantscd and their shorts were flown from the flag pole in front of Byrd Building. As of this printing everything seems quiet on the Western Front. Both sides, T&S and the angry females seem to be willing to let life .get back to normal around here, if it ever can. The Western Carpwrap STAPH BOX Cheditor in Eif Harry I.ardin Takin' Care of Business Wiley Stewart Ass. Editors Hatchet Sosnik, Mad Dog Schutz Spurts Editor Rona Randolf Pix Editor Mark's Had-It Laydown Editor Legs Erwin Productioneers .... Supie Nailed in. Cathy McWahoo Putter Togethercrs Frustrated Fraulcins Ad Guys By appointment only Circulationeers We get around Staph Flickers Kenny and Timmy Staph Scribers Bunches and Bunches Faulty Adviser Escaped to Bolivia Secretaries Tcrri's Wrath. Jewel Builder Who's kidding who? Three guys to saw one board. See Physical Plant Expose- Section B. ********»»************¥ * * * * * * * * I * I » I * I * I * I * I * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * a) * * * * * * * * * *

The Western Carolinian is Western Carolina University's student-run newspaper. The paper was published as the Cullowhee Yodel from 1924 to 1931 before changing its name to The Western Carolinian in 1933.

• Creator
  • Western Carolina University
• Format
  • Publications (documents)
• Type
  • Text
• Date
  • Date original: 1982-12-09
  • Date digitized: 2018-11-19
• Extent
  • Dimension: 15" x 11.5"
  • Pages: 12 pages
• Subject - Topic
  • College student newspapers and periodicals
  • Cullowhee (N.C.) -- Newspapers
  • Universities and colleges -- North Carolina -- Cullowhee -- Newspapers
• Location
  • Jackson County (N.C.)
  • Cullowhee (N.C.)
• Source institution
  • Western Carolina University
• Source Collection
  • WCU Students Newspapers Collection
• Identifier
  • HL_WesternCarolinian_1982-12-09_Vol47_No15
• Repository
  • Western Carolina University Hunter Library